Oh well, it's better then nuthin right? This is the only place I can come to vent or say exactly how I feel without everyone making it all about them. Not that it's supposed to be all about me but once In awhile I wish it was. Does that make me selfish? a martar? a bitch? Seems so at home. I was away a few days recouping from yet another fall,and yes Marty you are right it does take me forever to see the doctor for injuries,maybe I am just waiting to compile a list of them so I dont have to make so many trips.
This time I really did try to head off another fall though. We have gotten quite a bit of snow this year for where I am in Washington State. But we live near Hood Canal and are in the "zone" so get more rain,more snow.more heat then ppl around us. Even so we have had snow like 7 times so far this year and with inchs piling up not just a dusting. Though its rather beautiful when it comes down it's a major pain the day after when there's tons of slush or ice left behind on the roads and walkways.
Jay and I don't have a car and he works alot so I am out most every day walking to the stores or running errands for my Mom or helping Barb with the kids and with Barb that usually means meeting school buses or meeting her about a mile down the road to watch the older kids while the baby has therapy. There hasnt been a whole lot with Barb lately as because of the extreme weather here schools have been closed and appointments canceled but unless I absolutely can't move that day or am very sick I am there for her and the kids and the same for my mother.
I don't expect a huge pat on the back for the things I do for my family,in my heart I feel like thats the way it's supposed to be,your family needs your help and so you do it and maybe I am wrong who knows but isnt it supposed to work both ways? I seldom ask for help from anyone. Part of that is I tend to be very independent and as with alot of painers if I can possibly do it myself then I do,partly because it gives me a sense of accomplishment and makes feel that I still have something to offer this world and partly as I have said before because I never know when the day will come when I won't be able to do these things at all and I want to stay functional as long as possible.
I am however rather clumbsy with my gait being off from limping with the pain and way more since I had my stroke this past year. My whole right side is affected and there is always weakness there which gets worse when I am tired towards the end of the day and the pain gets worse too when I over do it. I have been trying to ask for more help as my counselor has recommended, to not let it feel like I am a failure but just like anyone else I am not invincable and am more likely to stay mobile of I dont get hurt on a reg basis. I will see my doctor next week to address my hip issue from falling last month and hopefully I wont end up laid up for any treatments for it.
Anyways I have enough trouble not biting the dust when the roads are clear let alone when they are icy. I have for the past 6 weeks been walking a few blocks to my moms old house to feed a ferral cat she had takin care of the last 7 yrs and could not take her with her when she moved. This lil cat is a sweetie,she has mellowed some over the years to the point where a few ppl can pet her but she will always be somewhat ferral. I felt so bad for her specailly in this freezing weather that she was basically abandoned over there and I know she needed the food to survive untill my daughter could or would take her out to her nieghbors property to a new home.
I did miss a few days feeding her when the roads were bad. Jay knew how I felt about this lil cat but he never offered to go over and help out with her and Barb had told my mom how terrible it was that she was all alone but hadnt made much of an effort to get her moved so I wouldn have to go over there almost daily. Barb has set up several days to have me box the cat up but never showed and the other day she calls in the morning and says that she got her friend to drive her into town for shopping and wanted to get the cat. Barb only has a permit for driving and had to rely on her nieghbor to ride along until she can get her lisence.
Well it had snowed the night before and all the ice that had been left behind from a few days before that was also froze solid and I live in a 4 plex with a rather large parking area and you have to walk down a steep incline to get to the main road. Jay and others tell me I am too negative that I never think positively and I have tried working on this but with my family its pretty much a given that I cant count on them so my being negative and isnt really being negative but just knowing how they are and calling it like it is.
I decided to give it a shot anyways,to ask for help and think positively that for once someone would come through for me. I didnt expect to get someone yelling into the phone with me for what I thought to be a very simple request,a request for help that I havent asked for at anytime I can remember in the last year. All I asked was if when my daughter got into town if she could stop and pick me up and let me out across the street to box up this cat for her to take out to her nieghbors.
I told her my concerns with the icy parking lot and I was afriad of slipping again and I got hit with her yelling at me "hell no!!!!! I am not going to waste any of my shopping time to pick you up and have to wait for you to put that animal in a box!!" I said it wont take more then 10 minutes tops Barb. I said I never ask you for help for anything and I am always doing favors for you and she said that she was on limited time and couldnt be bothered and to stop whining and just watch what I was doing and I wouldnt fall. Like when I go out I set out to smash the hell out of myself by not being as careful as I can?
I knew that this was the last chance to get this cat to a new home or she would end up starving, I knew because Barb said this was going to be the last chance that she didnt want the damn animal and no one else did and I sould feel lucky she had even talked her friend into taking it and she didnt have time to argue with me to just get my ass in gear and go do it. I hung up the phone and just cried. I felt so defeated and unloved and so not worth anyones effort. I kept looking out the window dreading trying to go over there but finally got dressed and ready to leave the house.
Right before I left Barb called and left a message on my phone with more bitching saying that I had to also bring her sons suitcase that has been left at my house from me having him here for almost a week,that she had to have his clothes and his snwboots and he had to have his video games. The deal with that suitcase had been that she would pick that up for him as he took the school bus from my house and there was too much to carry for him on the bus but because it had snowed the day after he left she couldnt get inot town to get it and not it was my job to deliver that too.
I was so pissed but she had made it clear that she had no intention fo picking up her sons belongings which meant that now instead of just trying to get myself over to that house I now had to drag out my little shopping cart as this suitcase was too heavy for me to carry!!! So I manage to jam that into my cart and head out the door and was trying to stick to this little strip of snow free tire tread going down the driveway when I truck comes barreling up the driveway at the same time!! I had to run over to the side of the driveway dragging that cart with me and gee what do ya know lost my footing and blam my feet went out from under me and I put my arm out to break the fall and landed on the concrete divider off the side of the driveway. It knocked the wind out of me and the lady did stop her truck to help me up. My arm hurt like hell but at least I didnt hit my face or head.
So I knocked the slush off my coat and pants and gimped over to do what I had to do. Later on I told my mom what had happened and she said I needed to let Barb know what happened. I said no way that she wouldnt care. Later Barb called me that night and I was pretty quiet with her. I was mad at her for not for not caring enough about me to honor a simple request and mad at myself for going out when I knew I was taking a chance but I had felt like what choice did I really have if I wanted the cat to have a home?
Barb was insistant on why I was being so quiet and so I finally told her what happened and got even a bigger response then even I would have expected. She yelled at me again!!!! told me so what? you are blaming me for you being al clutze and falling? what the hell it was not my fault you fell. and I said well it would have helped if I wasnt lugging that suitcase and she said well you took the kid and you had to get his stuff back to him. She closed me off and didnt give a shit what I had to say. In her mind she had no part in what had happened to me. I told her is wasnt her fault that I fell but it would have been nice if she cared just a little bit about her mom,enough to take 10 minutes out of her day to help me and she yells even more that she had shit to do and wasnt going to waste her time waiting for me to do anything.
I have stayed in the house the last 2 days,not answering the phone or doing much of anything or talking to anyone. I have never felt so worthless in my life. I am tired of trying,tired of just being here to be everyones little bitch. If it was not for my grandkids I would just blow my brains out and be done with it. Its like what is the point? What do I have to look forward to each day? Being the only one to take care of my mom who treats me like shit on a daily basis? to get up each day just to count the hours till its late enough to go back to bed and then count the hours again to get back up and always being in pain with not one hour of relief> knowing that this pain is only going to get worse and knowing in my heart that when it gets to the point that I cant take care of myself that not one of my family would bother taking care of me?
Stick around to end up in some damn state run nursing home waiting to die? Being alone? Am I feeling sorry for myself right now? hell yes!!! I dont ask for much in this life,just to get a lil help now and then and to not be sick or in pain 24/7 and maybe even feel loved once in awhile is that too much to ask? I guess so. My councelor says make your needs and wants known and you will get the help you need and the things you want out of life,he is so full of shit. I am so sick of hearing ppl say "oh I didnt know you needed help or that you felt that way" then I am truly invisable because I have talked and cried and still get nothing I am nothing to the ppl that should be there for me and I dont want to be more impotant to strangers then my family that the highlight of my day shouldnt be whether a clerk at the store cares more about how I feel then my family does, WTF is so wrong with me?
This time I really did try to head off another fall though. We have gotten quite a bit of snow this year for where I am in Washington State. But we live near Hood Canal and are in the "zone" so get more rain,more snow.more heat then ppl around us. Even so we have had snow like 7 times so far this year and with inchs piling up not just a dusting. Though its rather beautiful when it comes down it's a major pain the day after when there's tons of slush or ice left behind on the roads and walkways.
Jay and I don't have a car and he works alot so I am out most every day walking to the stores or running errands for my Mom or helping Barb with the kids and with Barb that usually means meeting school buses or meeting her about a mile down the road to watch the older kids while the baby has therapy. There hasnt been a whole lot with Barb lately as because of the extreme weather here schools have been closed and appointments canceled but unless I absolutely can't move that day or am very sick I am there for her and the kids and the same for my mother.
I don't expect a huge pat on the back for the things I do for my family,in my heart I feel like thats the way it's supposed to be,your family needs your help and so you do it and maybe I am wrong who knows but isnt it supposed to work both ways? I seldom ask for help from anyone. Part of that is I tend to be very independent and as with alot of painers if I can possibly do it myself then I do,partly because it gives me a sense of accomplishment and makes feel that I still have something to offer this world and partly as I have said before because I never know when the day will come when I won't be able to do these things at all and I want to stay functional as long as possible.
I am however rather clumbsy with my gait being off from limping with the pain and way more since I had my stroke this past year. My whole right side is affected and there is always weakness there which gets worse when I am tired towards the end of the day and the pain gets worse too when I over do it. I have been trying to ask for more help as my counselor has recommended, to not let it feel like I am a failure but just like anyone else I am not invincable and am more likely to stay mobile of I dont get hurt on a reg basis. I will see my doctor next week to address my hip issue from falling last month and hopefully I wont end up laid up for any treatments for it.
Anyways I have enough trouble not biting the dust when the roads are clear let alone when they are icy. I have for the past 6 weeks been walking a few blocks to my moms old house to feed a ferral cat she had takin care of the last 7 yrs and could not take her with her when she moved. This lil cat is a sweetie,she has mellowed some over the years to the point where a few ppl can pet her but she will always be somewhat ferral. I felt so bad for her specailly in this freezing weather that she was basically abandoned over there and I know she needed the food to survive untill my daughter could or would take her out to her nieghbors property to a new home.
I did miss a few days feeding her when the roads were bad. Jay knew how I felt about this lil cat but he never offered to go over and help out with her and Barb had told my mom how terrible it was that she was all alone but hadnt made much of an effort to get her moved so I wouldn have to go over there almost daily. Barb has set up several days to have me box the cat up but never showed and the other day she calls in the morning and says that she got her friend to drive her into town for shopping and wanted to get the cat. Barb only has a permit for driving and had to rely on her nieghbor to ride along until she can get her lisence.
Well it had snowed the night before and all the ice that had been left behind from a few days before that was also froze solid and I live in a 4 plex with a rather large parking area and you have to walk down a steep incline to get to the main road. Jay and others tell me I am too negative that I never think positively and I have tried working on this but with my family its pretty much a given that I cant count on them so my being negative and isnt really being negative but just knowing how they are and calling it like it is.
I decided to give it a shot anyways,to ask for help and think positively that for once someone would come through for me. I didnt expect to get someone yelling into the phone with me for what I thought to be a very simple request,a request for help that I havent asked for at anytime I can remember in the last year. All I asked was if when my daughter got into town if she could stop and pick me up and let me out across the street to box up this cat for her to take out to her nieghbors.
I told her my concerns with the icy parking lot and I was afriad of slipping again and I got hit with her yelling at me "hell no!!!!! I am not going to waste any of my shopping time to pick you up and have to wait for you to put that animal in a box!!" I said it wont take more then 10 minutes tops Barb. I said I never ask you for help for anything and I am always doing favors for you and she said that she was on limited time and couldnt be bothered and to stop whining and just watch what I was doing and I wouldnt fall. Like when I go out I set out to smash the hell out of myself by not being as careful as I can?
I knew that this was the last chance to get this cat to a new home or she would end up starving, I knew because Barb said this was going to be the last chance that she didnt want the damn animal and no one else did and I sould feel lucky she had even talked her friend into taking it and she didnt have time to argue with me to just get my ass in gear and go do it. I hung up the phone and just cried. I felt so defeated and unloved and so not worth anyones effort. I kept looking out the window dreading trying to go over there but finally got dressed and ready to leave the house.
Right before I left Barb called and left a message on my phone with more bitching saying that I had to also bring her sons suitcase that has been left at my house from me having him here for almost a week,that she had to have his clothes and his snwboots and he had to have his video games. The deal with that suitcase had been that she would pick that up for him as he took the school bus from my house and there was too much to carry for him on the bus but because it had snowed the day after he left she couldnt get inot town to get it and not it was my job to deliver that too.
I was so pissed but she had made it clear that she had no intention fo picking up her sons belongings which meant that now instead of just trying to get myself over to that house I now had to drag out my little shopping cart as this suitcase was too heavy for me to carry!!! So I manage to jam that into my cart and head out the door and was trying to stick to this little strip of snow free tire tread going down the driveway when I truck comes barreling up the driveway at the same time!! I had to run over to the side of the driveway dragging that cart with me and gee what do ya know lost my footing and blam my feet went out from under me and I put my arm out to break the fall and landed on the concrete divider off the side of the driveway. It knocked the wind out of me and the lady did stop her truck to help me up. My arm hurt like hell but at least I didnt hit my face or head.
So I knocked the slush off my coat and pants and gimped over to do what I had to do. Later on I told my mom what had happened and she said I needed to let Barb know what happened. I said no way that she wouldnt care. Later Barb called me that night and I was pretty quiet with her. I was mad at her for not for not caring enough about me to honor a simple request and mad at myself for going out when I knew I was taking a chance but I had felt like what choice did I really have if I wanted the cat to have a home?
Barb was insistant on why I was being so quiet and so I finally told her what happened and got even a bigger response then even I would have expected. She yelled at me again!!!! told me so what? you are blaming me for you being al clutze and falling? what the hell it was not my fault you fell. and I said well it would have helped if I wasnt lugging that suitcase and she said well you took the kid and you had to get his stuff back to him. She closed me off and didnt give a shit what I had to say. In her mind she had no part in what had happened to me. I told her is wasnt her fault that I fell but it would have been nice if she cared just a little bit about her mom,enough to take 10 minutes out of her day to help me and she yells even more that she had shit to do and wasnt going to waste her time waiting for me to do anything.
I have stayed in the house the last 2 days,not answering the phone or doing much of anything or talking to anyone. I have never felt so worthless in my life. I am tired of trying,tired of just being here to be everyones little bitch. If it was not for my grandkids I would just blow my brains out and be done with it. Its like what is the point? What do I have to look forward to each day? Being the only one to take care of my mom who treats me like shit on a daily basis? to get up each day just to count the hours till its late enough to go back to bed and then count the hours again to get back up and always being in pain with not one hour of relief> knowing that this pain is only going to get worse and knowing in my heart that when it gets to the point that I cant take care of myself that not one of my family would bother taking care of me?
Stick around to end up in some damn state run nursing home waiting to die? Being alone? Am I feeling sorry for myself right now? hell yes!!! I dont ask for much in this life,just to get a lil help now and then and to not be sick or in pain 24/7 and maybe even feel loved once in awhile is that too much to ask? I guess so. My councelor says make your needs and wants known and you will get the help you need and the things you want out of life,he is so full of shit. I am so sick of hearing ppl say "oh I didnt know you needed help or that you felt that way" then I am truly invisable because I have talked and cried and still get nothing I am nothing to the ppl that should be there for me and I dont want to be more impotant to strangers then my family that the highlight of my day shouldnt be whether a clerk at the store cares more about how I feel then my family does, WTF is so wrong with me?
It's bad enough sitting in the waiting room, then the exam room, spending an hour or 2 to see a doctor,
by that time I'm too nicked out and frustrated to tell them everything. Sometimes I fix up a list, but usually I just go in stuttering, they scribe me
stuff for things that aren't really bothering me, and I find out the meds make me sicker than the illness 
Reason being, we (Pisces)
are walking doormats! 
always banging our heads against
the wall for OTHER PEOPLE'S problems 
Not 'cause of the
thanks/kudos we'll get, but 'cause that's how we truly believe the human race is supposed to be! Our biggest problem is that we always go about
life through our hearts/with our hearts on our sleeve! Hence why it's hurts so bad & we take it to heart when we don't get the same in return. When
it comes to our family, it hurts the most 'cause they're SUPPOSED to love us, right? How can they treat me like that? It must be me/something wrong
with me!
) of dealing with my family walking all
over me while I bend over to help and be there for them, I finally learned that it's honestly NOT a problem with ME....it's THEIR problem 'cause
they simply don't like themselves/their life. Who better to take it out on, then the only "softy" in the family!! The one that's going to
react the least = you, me & others like us LOL!
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