I'm soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo tired of this disease...
waking every day with it, wondering HOW I am going to get socks on ( many days I don't bother to get dressed, unless I gotta go outside or to town).
I'm sick of feeling 80 when I am only in my 40's. I'm tired of being sick and weak... and getting worse. I'm sick of helplessness and further
pain that those feelings spawn. I'm sick to hell of the lonely left out feelings and having to miss stuff because it could cause a flare -- the whole
"delecate" thing! I'm sick to hell of nobody in my life that gets how demoralizing this is... and how much I bravely tough out -- because I AM
SICK TO DEATH OF SAYING "I HURT"! I'm tired of the growing symptoms and worsening of conditions and that even my doctor does not really want to
fully understand (even if he could)... of nausea and losing weight... of gas, constipation and never really sleeping RESTFULLY. I am sick of seeing my dreams
fade and rust, my hopes and trust shatter... my faith in tatters. I'm sick of anxiety and stress and uncertanty that comes through dependance on so many
things beyond my control. Is this living or dying? I forget.
|
Meet BJ! |
Add a story | Have you? | Fun times! | Ocpm Members | Tons of info! |
DISease
| Author | Comment | ||
|---|---|---|---|
 Pariah |
DISease |
Lead | |
|
OCPM - 100 Club
 Posts: 185 (01/06/09 01:19:33) OCPM Newbie |
|
||
|
Rhorud99 |
|||
|
OCPM Legend
 Posts: 1754 (01/06/09 13:05:06) OCPM Founding Member |
Hey John--I think we all feel that way many times. I know i do. I'm tired of things too but I wish I had some words of wisdom to say but I don't.
Nothing I say will make anyone with chronic pain feel better....it's sorta like when you lose someone, nothing can make that pain really go away either,
but I know we all try to bring comfort to others..........and all I can say is I DO understand how you feel because I feel that way too. I don't know if it
is living or dying--some days I think that those over on the other side, like my mom, really ARE bettr off in all ways...I mean I cannot imagine.......no more
pain, no more wories about money or things I need, no nothing to stop me from knowing and understanding the whys I have so much..................but I wish
things were different here, I wish that we had no pain or suffering of any kind, and I so agree with something scrooge said not long ago about living in Bible
times--how did they manage to live to old old ages? I know they had infirmities too back then, otherwise, Jesus would not have had to heal anyone, but maybe
less people had such things. I don't know. I don't know how it was, but I sure would have like to be around when he was and had him heal me, so the
only thing I can tell you is like you told me a few short weeks ago..........just try to have faith and trust in Him who can bring greater peace, comfort, and
help relieve the pain and suffering we endure daily..........my thoughts and prayers are with you.........
|
||
|
Pariah |
|||
|
OCPM - 100 Club
Posts: 187 (01/09/09 09:18:13) OCPM Newbie |
THANK YOU!!! I am doing much better... but that is the way this goes. I'm trying to come to grips with bi-polar. I go from boundless energy and feeling
alright (and cannot stop -- everything must be perfect) to cannot get dressed and NO energy NO desire. Yes, it follows the pain, so days when i feel OK I
press. Maybe to make up for lost time? I go from fantastic ideas and enthusiasm to rock bottom everything sucks. I'm just afriad that I'm gonna be one
weird old fart -- afraid to leave the farm and talking to my tractor (ok, I DO talk to my tractor... so I already qualify ~~ hee hee!)
|
||
|
Rhorud99 |
|||
|
OCPM Legend
Posts: 1756 (01/13/09 16:19:58) OCPM Founding Member |
Hey P-
Well, in a way, that is kinda how grieving goes too, maybe chronic pain or any disease like what we all have (CP).......I mean, grieving has me at days or moements no less where I am up, where I feel positive about life in general, and then, it knocks the socks off of me, and I start missing my mom so much and hurt and get down sometims so low, I don't know if I can pick myself up or not............and sometimes, the thought that frigthens me most is that, if things get no better in my life, and I lose total hope, will I still be here then??? I don't know.........that answer.....I hope it doesn't come to that..........point
|
||
|
scroogerocks |
|||
|
OCPM Hall of Fame
Member     Posts: 6991 (01/19/09 13:55:02) OCPM Hall of Fame |
Welcome to MY world....the world of weird old farts!!! It's actually not so bad cuz people pretty much leave you alone. AND...they don't make the
stupid comments about how I can 't possibly be in pain because I have all my limbs and everything that I'm physically suppose to have - they don't
say anything cuz they are afraid!!! vewy, vewy afwaid!!! One never knows when this ole cork might blow alls they know is that when it does it won't be
purdy!!!
So relax, its not so bad!!! And, if you believe that I got some prime land in a great state that I'll GIVE ya!!!! One day at a time...that's the best we can do....one day at a time and on the bad days remember all the good that we can muster up so that we can get thru it. On the good days, make that good so its not so difficult to muster. I don't know about y'all but I can barely remember what I had for breakfast this morning much less what cute thing someone might have done in the past. Hope your doing better P and Rho!! IT WILL PASS!!!! might take some time, but IT WILL PASS!!! 
 |
||
|
Rhorud99 |
|||
|
OCPM Legend
Posts: 1758 (01/25/09 15:47:35) OCPM Founding Member |
Hey trac-
thanks for what you said--I know you have been thru the same things and go thru them daily too.........and it is a blessing (I know that sounds crazy) but at least you do understand what I'we are going thru, what it's like, and that means more than anything...............
|
||
|
Pariah |
life trudges on... | ||
|
OCPM - 100 Club
Posts: 193 (02/06/09 01:48:08) OCPM Newbie |
Life is so indifferent to our trials and sufferings. It is like an affornt to our reality, that when it is all seeming to cave in on us, that it justs
audacioulsy keeps moving at the speed of life. Mondays or Wednesdays just happen, no matter if we give a damn or not -- if we are ready for it or not -- there
it is. It has been said that the "path to the grave should be lined with flowers." Like the first flower poking boldly out of the snow, or the
sound of children playing in the distance heard in the slilence of the graveyard. Or maybe it is like the bird we glimpse darting with such energy and
bright-eyed intensity that flashes brilliant color in the bleak pre-spring landscape. What is it in life, this "unknown knowing", that is expressed
in ancient hands holding soft, pudgy hands that gives life it's fire? Or the way in which the young woman returns the glance of an eager would-be suitor,
or the dance of the bee, telling the hive where to find nectar. The sweet smell of warming earth waking frogs from slumber or the way geese fly in a
wind-breaking "V" each taking a turn at the point, and the tired are given the easiest place, but yet none have to be told or taught! What an
amazing thing when life catches you dying, and in so doing, brings you "knew life". I'll never understand it. When a good friend from the past
happens by... and life has given way toward dying... and they say "I am ready!" What is it that makes us fight it again and again... even when the
fight has gone? A new energy surges in, sometimes to health for more days... sometimes just enough to cary us over with a bit of dignity and humanity shining
through to infect someone else with this disease called life.
Nope, it does not make sense to me, and I've seen death and in it is no fear -- it is a doorway. Certainly a one-way door most of the time, but not fearsome. Separation is certainly an open wound, but life itself can be more horrendus than that passageway. But we fight for life even when it is not logical or even sensible... while sometimes we die to life and THAT is what should be feared and fought against! so, here's to living! I'm gonna get back on that ornery 'ol buckin' cuss and ride it for what it is worth! Yup, I think I will plant a seed and grow a felony! Logic an' reason be damned! There is lovin' left for us, if we will be open to it.  sometimes, ya gotta just stop and smoke the flowers
|
||
|
scroogerocks |
|||
|
OCPM Hall of Fame
Member Posts: 6995 (03/08/09 21:44:56) OCPM Hall of Fame |
smoke away my friend, smoke away. No sense smellin em when....well, I won't go there but this little "ditty" just got me ta thinkin!! Thanks J!!!
|
||
|
Pariah |
the speed of life | ||
|
OCPM - 100 Club
Posts: 198 (03/15/09 00:43:38) OCPM Newbie |
Yeah, well winter has kicked my but and I have my work cut out for me -- and a lot of it I have no way of sayin' how some of the repairs gets funded... BUT
the days are getting longer, and life is full of possibilities, right? I'm just ornery enough to stick around to see what will happen next... and melow
enough to blow off the crap that is beyond my control... as best as can be done at the speed of life.
anyway, don't disappear, eh? |
||
|
scroogerocks |
|||
|
OCPM Hall of Fame
Member Posts: 6996 (03/27/09 21:25:35) OCPM Hall of Fame |
It's a balance of evil vs. good that we have to endure every single day...and the evil is a whole different kind of evil then what lingers in the night
eh?! At least that's what I envision my life as...evil vs good.
Course sometimes I try to figure out what the hell I could have done in my lifetime that would warrant all this misery. I know I'm not a model citizen, I've done things that were considered "illegal" in the eyes of society and tradition but I haven't even hurt anyone other then myself with these actions. And I've never spent more then one night in jail (and that was only once, in a drunk tank, before I was 18). If that's all it takes to spend the rest of ones life in agonizing pain I'm pretty gosh darned glad I didn't actually ever kill anyone!!! Most days I can see the "bright side" (for lack of a better phrase) but I do have my days where I just don't understand any of it. There are so many people out there far more mischievious then I ever even thought about being that seem to have it all...EVERYTHING, including happiness and NO PAIN!!! The ability to obtain the funds that are required to do for more then just the necesities, while I sit back and wonder how are we going to do this or that...or who do we not pay this time. But right now...for today...I am in a happy place!! My funk of the past - what seems like an eternity - has passed and I am more positive then I have been in years. Not sure why, nothing has changed here in my little world. But I won't question it or sit and linger on finding an answer as to why the funk has passed. Nope, instead I will enjoy...enjoy, enjoy, enjoy!!! I hope everyone is feeling happy and blessed!! It's a rareity, so I am enjoying every single second of this because I know it won't last unfortunately. But not gonna worry how long or why, I'm enjoyin it!!! My youngest (my baby girl) turns 13 tomorrow!! Hard to believe she's a teenager already, man they grow up so fast. I was going thru photo's to make a little poster of her 13 years of life and man, so many of the photo's I can remember taking just like they were yesterday. She's got a group of her little friends that will be coming over for a cook-out, a late night bon fire and then spending the night (some of them are staying tonight as well) so I suspect my funk will return before this is all over. We have a relatively calm and quiet lifestyle here, so all of this comotion is relatively new to us. I keep asking myself "How did we ever survive the older 3 being teenagers all at the same time??!!" It's alright tho, I'm blessed to have her and I'm blessed to be able to allow her to enjoy her special occasion in this manner. It's all good!!! I will be a nervous wreck by the time its all over with tho I'm almost certain 
|
||
|
Pariah |
! | ||
|
OCPM - 100 Club
Posts: 200 (03/28/09 12:42:22) OCPM Newbie |
Hey, SOOOOO very GLAD to hear you are doing better... and VERY, VERY glad to "see" you again. Gosh darn I wuz worried, sis! I hear ya 'bout the
commotion. My middler child turned 14 (Lord have mercy, I cannot wait until that one is married off!!) my middler boy is turning 11 and he had a sleep over
last night. Thank God only ONE boy showed up... geeze they played wii and action hero nonsense AT TOP VOLUME ~~ NEVER have I heard so many
"KA-Boooooooooms"
I had the thursday from HELL... had to go to a "pain management" apt. Y'know, the one where ya pay $150 to get interrogated by the pain natzi nurse... and the doctor does a "fly-by" with a handshake and a causual "howwyadoin". Less than a minute of his time to scribble his emminently forge-able siggy... then off to the pharmacy, to get told "the DEA set quotas for schedule II drug manufacturers, leading to a nation-wide shortage." So I got sent to another town's wally's world... told it would TAKE AN HOUR to do a price comp because they "cannot lose money on me"... and why, if I want costco prices did I just not GO THERE INSTEAD!? Gee, ya, I'll be sure and do that next time. Geeze whatta bunch of hacks! They called me up to the counter and told me "your insurance is saying it is too soon to fill" ~~ What? I pay CASH! They then told me they were ready... but when the bag said "1 item" I asked them what they did with the others. Blank stare... OK, what is in the bag? A inhaler!!! Wrong RX!! SCARY!!! It was not enough to have all the kids along on this ordeal, but we were all starved, disgusted and angry, not to mention grumpy, sneezy and sleepy (where the F was Doc???). All that lead to me getting very, very sick on Friday. I woke up in a pool of sweat, SOAKED at six in the morning. I puked and shivered and was miserable sick all day. Mdw in her ever present loving concern for me remarked "well I guess you are screwing your son out of his party then, huh?" And as I was shivering and unable to swallow any meds (and not a shred of herbal relief to be had) and sitting in the bath with the handheld shower trickling hot water on my poor, tortured head "you know, the utility bill went up $30 last month, and the water bill was higher too... NOW I know WHY!" Somehow, i got together enough to handle having not only three silly LOUD boys, but had dumped on me another teen-queen to make a matched set with my middle daughter... and the endless requests for everything unreasonable they could ask for... set me up to be the bad guy. Funny how just a few years ago, I knew EVERYTHING... and now I know less than nothing. ah, well it is all good. I'm still ornery and still hangin' on. take care... but PLEASE don't disapear again!! luv an hugs pariah |
||
|
scroogerocks |
Ahhh, I understand!!! | ||
|
OCPM Hall of Fame
Member Posts: 6998 (04/02/09 11:54:26) OCPM Hall of Fame |
Yes...the oh so wonderful Wii!!! I had girls getting hit with remotes because the "fake" boxing turned into a real boxing match right here in the
midst of my living room. Not to mention the bat swinging virtual baseball playin!!! Who's bright idea was investing in a Wii anyway????!!!
And after the Wii got a bit out of hand they decided to play "dark hide n seek"...yea, a new one for me too. What it consists of is me sitting in the dark while a bunch of giggly, high screechin girls take everything out of my cupboards only to find they won't fit anyway!!! Oh Lordy, took me all day the next day just to get everything put back where it belonged. And where the hell did the big huge balls of dust come from???!! Still haven't figured out who hid where and found them. They had fun, baby girl had fun....so I ask myself "Wasn't it all worth it?" No comment on the reply I gave myself. I did, however, tell mana that as parents we are now not obligated to have another birthday party until she turns 16, b-cuz 14 & 15 are just ages ya have ta go thru because you weren't lucky enough to be born in a leap year -  Hey, she bought
it, that's all that counts right?!!
Sorry to hear about the undue suffering. I guess it must be the improving weather conditions making us think we can get out and do something that a normal person might attempt. I was fortunate enough to still have one each of my "monthly" meds left when the new scripts arrived in the mail (gotta love the good ole mail system). I no longer have a pain doc because they want to perform the marvelous nerve blocks again - since they didn't seem to work the first two times I have no reason to believe they will work this time around. And lord help ya if you "refuse" their recommended treatment(s). But I'm not having some nutcase wanna be anesthesiologist poke shit into my spinal area....that's mine and I have no intentions of sharing it with anyone ever again!!! Unless they will allow me to do that to them BEFORE
they do it to me...and we both know THAT'S not gonna happen.
Or I could always let them "fix" my back thru surgical intervention...yea, right! again I say "Lemme do you first!!" But I do get my meds from the family doc for now. Until uncle Sam realizes that's not suppose to happen. No matter, at this point I'll take what I can get. Sorry ya got "put down" (for lack of a better phrase/word), if only they knew how it really was eh?! I've learned to just write all the comments off as coming from those that have no clue...that's it, just NO FREAKIN CLUE!!! Helps me move on and not physically choke the dog piss outta anyone. My husband is suppose to return to work on the 13th (yippee!!!), not sure how well that's going to go for him after having his foot surgery done. He can't squat, and he builds RV's, should be interesting to say the least. I don't see it working for a very long time for him but he has put in to be "retrained" in a different field that might better suit his limitations. Guess we'll see eh? It's all good, life is all good!!! Funk or no funk it changes nothing only makes me a more miserable person and to be quite frank....I have enough misery in my life I certainly don't need to add to it. But I do on occasion...hopefully it'll be a while before it happens again. You take care, and if you just wanna "talk" lemme know. I'm generally around or will be shortly. Hang in there my friend, everything is going up - whether ya use extra or not!!!!
|
||
Quick Reply
 |
 |
 |  |
|
To ask the Doctor a Question click HERE |
|
![[Blue Ribbon Campaign icon]](http://br.eff.org/br.gif)
